Running....or not....an update and a confession

It's wintery out there.  A pallete of browns and golds covered in a blanket of white.  Not a good day for a run, however it's not really my excuse.  My last post started with the words "I am a runner"....I am currently NOT a runner.  I have not run for months.  I spent weeks and weeks, literal months prepping for the QC Marathon.  I was ready.  I was fit, I was up to 10 miles, I was SO excited and ready.  Then I was sick.  Weak with fever and stomach symptoms.  I couldn't eat and my muscles ached, I'd get dizzy from any exersion. 

I first considered that it was nerves.  It will pass.  I pleaded for it to pass.  It didn't pass.  I had to make a tough decision.  Run my first half marathon in less than peak condition....or not run at all.  Both sides of the argument were bummers.  On the one hand running sick could turn out completely disasterous...what if I couldn't finish, what if I were last, what if I finished, but it was such a horrible experience that I never wanted to do it again?  On the flip side, if I didn't do it at all I would feel like a quitter.  If I worked so hard and then didn't go for the prize then what was I teaching my kids?  What about Jami?  I was running off her inspiration....she did it in pain....shouldn't I?  It was a very crummy place to be. 

My hubby gave his two cents.  If I ran the race, I could likely end up sicker.  He didn't want to have to do all my work for me...who would take care of the kids, do the dishes, make the food, do the laundry?  He had already been picking up my slack for a week...he was ready for me to be better.  It was all in good fun, his comments, but he was right.  I listened, I conceded, I didn't run. 

I vowed to run my half before year's end.  I registered for a race in Galena.  A tough one, but I knew if I kept my conditioning up once I was better, that I would be ok.  So I continued to run once I was on the mend, but it wasn't the same.  My body was weaker, my time was scarcer, and my will was damaged.  Race day was a week away, and again I had a tough choice.  This time was easier.  A realization had set in.  As much as I enjoyed the runs, as much as I needed the time, it was far from a postition of priority in my life. 

Running was a pass time, a luxury if you will.  NOT a requirement.  Had I failed?  My only failure was in seeing a finished race as my only accomplishment of the year.  Am I disappointed?  It seeps in from time to time.  Will I run again?  I cannot wait.  Will I run a half marathon?  I don't know.  I am considering my motivations.  Is it about pride?  Accomplishment?  Sometimes having a goal to work toward is such a wonderful motivator, but sometimes it is a crippling deadline laced with stigma.  I'm not sure if I want my running to be measured by distances or times.  I love the challenge in it, but I think more that I love the freedom.  My biggest regret is claiming it for Jami, however, although I didn't compete in an official race, she was with my every footbeat on the road while I trained.  I think she would be proud of my attempt. 

As for my kids and what they have learned from this.  I hope they have learned that they come first.  Above all my projects and responsibilites, I will not sacrifice my time with them in liu of any race or pass time.

my would have been race number was picked up by a friend, it was accompanied by a sweet encouraging card, about a race she trained and trained for and never got to run....so thoughtful!

This was taken the day before the 1/2 marathon...laced up and ready to go, but sick.  Instead sat by and watched Ty and his soccer team enjoy the pool.  Oh well, there will be other races, but only one of this day that I cannot get back.