Indecision

Indecisive is a good descriptive word for me.  I think it fits me like a glove on one hand, meaning about fifty-percent of the time I cannot make a decision!  On the other hand the glove is crocheted with stubborn determination to get my way at any cost!  (generally I wear this glove when dealing with the hubby :)  But anyhow, when I'm not sure about something it can be downright painful!  I'm sure it is also quite annoying for anyone else involved in the scenario as well. 

Generally when tough decisions come along I defer to my husband.  The problem rears its head when he is unsure as well.  This is were we are today.  A team of indecisive parents, facing a major decision. 

Tonight as Anna discarded her signature daytime look of mix and match patterns for her silky Ariel nightgown, my eye caught her scar.  The only visible evidence of her medical imperfections.  The former home of a central line and site of her two balloon caths.  Her sky blue eyes lite up her chubby little four-year-old face as we snuggle before bed.  I brush her beautiful blond bangs to the side as I whisper my goodnight.  My heart swells with love.

I finish the bedtime prayers and trudge down the stairs. 

"The cardiologists office called again today....they are wondering if we have made any decisions about Anna's procedure." 

Silence

"Matt?"

"Have you heard from her old Dr.?" he asked, referring to her original cardiologist, Dr. Schneider. 

"No, I called, but haven't received a reply." We were hoping for some guidance, he was always very honest and down to earth with us.  His advice would be a deal-breaker for us. 

Silence.  This is usually the extent of these converstaions.

How do you choose?  Some background for those of you who don't know our Anna.  She was born with a congenital heart defect called critical pulmonary stenosis.  Basically the pulmonary valve of her heart was fused shut, only allowing a pin-hole opening for blood to pass through.  The first weeks of her life were spent in the NICU at Peoria Children's Hospital.  She has undergone two balloon catherizations to open her valve, one at 2 days old, the second at 5 months old.  She also had two holes in her heart, and a very small right ventricle.  By God's grace and perfect timing, she has thrived.  She is a miracle, and we have been immensely blessed.  Each check up was progressively better.  Since leaving the NICU there have been no outward signs of heart complications.  No blue lips, no shortness of breath or fatigue.  An outwardly normal child!  A perfect, beautiful blessing.

Each year we trek to Peoria in December.  Each year we get good news.  This year was different, we were taken aback to hear that although she is in no immediate danger, her cardiologist felt that we should consider closing the hole that had not closed on its own.   An elective procedure....completely our decision.

How do you choose to put your child through an elective procedure?  They say it may make her feel better...the problem is, she doesn't even know she feels bad!  She doesn't know anything other than how she feels today!  So we have no way of knowing....unless we do it.  There is a small amount of oxygenated blood mixing with the non-oxygenated blood, allowing a slight risk that a clot could pass through this hole.  So that sounds scary....another reason to do the procedure.  It would be another balloon cath, which is minimally invasive....but it is still a parental decision to put a four-year-old under full anesthesia, to endure a stay in the hospital, and to generally just cause her to be potentially afraid, uncomfortable, and worried.  Even though she feels fine.   Every medical procedure has risks to go along with the benefits....so we chose to think it over.

It has been three months.  Still no decision.  Some days I feel apathetic.  It's not that I don't care, I just feel so indecisive. 

"Lord, please make it clear, what should we do?" 

Silence.

"Lord, we know your plan is perfect, we have seen your mercy and glory so clearly in Anna's short life, we know she sits in the palm of your hand, but Lord, please help us know with confidence your will in this...."

Silence.

So days go by, many without a thought of the situation.  Is that insane?!  Shouldn't this be at the tip of my tongue, on the forefront of my thoughts?  How can I be so....apathetic?

I shared my concerns with a friend, I asked her to pray with me, and for me.  Like an angel she responded with beautiful loving words.

"Sweety, God isn't ignoring you, He is blessing you.  He is taking away your worry.  This will all become clear in His time.  In the meantime he is giving you peace while you wait to hear His answer!"

Ding, ding, ding!  I love how God uses people.  How he blesses us with friendships.  Plants people in our lives to fill the words in the blanks.  Her words left me feeling less indecisive and more confident.  Sometimes indecision is God's grace in disguise.  Quick impulsive decisions sometimes prevent us from hitting our knees.  God knows we need him....but we forget.  When we turn our eyes to Him we gain so much more than when we go at it alone.  The waiting may be painful, but the reward is worth it!

I still don't have clarity.  But I will wait.  I know God will reveal His will for us.  In the meantime I thank Him for the peace that transcends all understanding, and for friends who lead me to his word.

Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

To be continued!......

She Roars....She Speaks 2011

Different folks share their gifts in different ways.  I want to tell you about an amazing opportunity for anyone who has the desire to encourage others with their words, either spoken or written.  Lysa TerKeurst is giving away two scholarships to the She Speaks 2011 Convention.  You can find out how to enter here.  I would love the opportunity to touch the lives of other women, specifically other moms by sharing my words.  This opportunity is immeasurable...I need all the help I can get :) 

This is my entry

Lord, how did I become so volatile?  Sometimes it feels like my fuse is always lit.  This isn't who I thought I would be.  Help me be meek, help me find peace in the chaos.

Life happens, it's chaotic and rushed.  The demands of a large family are many and most days I feel as though my accomplishments are few.  My life is constant motion.  From the moment my two year old pokes me in the eye to wake me at 5:45 a.m. demanding a "nack", to the umpteenth time I return a child to bed each night, there is rarely a second for cognitive thought.  Sitting down is out of the question, unless I'm folding something...or changing someone's pants.  I don't even attempt to talk on the phone unless I'm in the car, and the problem with that is I can't run away if the noise reaches the obnoxious level.  Busy is an understatement.

To be clear, I L-O-V-E the opportunity to be at home, this is the life I choose.  But making the choice to be an at-home mom isn't the magic anecdote to glee filled happiness!  It is hard work.  It is about self-sacrifice and commitment.  Long days and yes, I admit, short fuses with episodes of roaring.  The fact that I want this doesn't always make it easy!

I recently discussed a particularly difficult morning with a dear friend.

"I can't believe I lost my temper over such a trivial offense"  I admitted, "It is so frustrating to know in your heart who you are and how you want to respond to these things, yet to be so weak and give into the to temptation to just roar!"

She touched my arm, tears welled in her eyes...."I had a bad morning too...I completely understand"  then the wisdom spewed out "sometimes we have to remember that this isn't TV, we aren't in a movie, this is real life with real people, and real frustrations....and sometimes....well we just have bad days".

Whoa.....back-up....did she just say she had a bad morning too??  Yep, she did!  Not only did she hear what I said....but she understood....without judgement!! Oh, how wonderful to be heard! 

Motherhood can be so very lonely, it is so easy to create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our families and then when we fall short, we feel defeated.  We isolate ourselves, or hide our flaws in an attempt to appear "normal".  To have another mom, someone whom I admire and look to for advice be willing to share her weaknesses with me was so.... liberating.  She heard me, she had the courage to be transparent and in so doing she stirred a desire in me to speak too....well, write. 

I'm a pretty quiet person.   I tend to get nervous in conversation and I am easily distracted, so I don't say much.  But the truth is, I have a lot to say.  I just say it better in writing.   Writing it down is powerful...a complete thought, right there on the page.  Something in my day that I can actually see finished!  Plus I can go back and delete the stuff that sounds dumb....can't do that in conversation!   

Now add in the potential that someone else might feel the same way....someone else might need some liberation.  Unfortunately I believe that I do not have an isolated case of underground incognito roaring mama syndrome ....in fact I believe that it runs rampid among women in their childbearing years.  As I seek to lengthen my fuse, I have found great comfort in my new found pride of roaring moms.  Not content to give into the temptation to roar, but daily seeking God's wisdom and learning from each other how to manage the chaos of our days.

I thank God daily for his grace, as I seek the strength to be meek.

Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

                                                                                                                        2 Corinthians 12:9

It's Your Life

I saw a post on FB today I love music...it can speak for you.  I like that, it always seems I hear the right song at the right time, whether the lyrics resonate with me, or the beat lifts my spirits.  Problem is...I can't carry a tune!  In fact I'm pretty sure I am tone deaf!  But I've decided over the years that it isn't about how my singing sounds....it's about how it makes me feel.  Today Tyler and Alli and I sang our hearts out to Francesca Battistelli.   I love the words to It's Your Life
     It's your life
     Watcha gonna do?
     The world is watchin you
     Every day the choices you make
     Say what you are
     And who your heart beats for
     It's an open door
As their little elementary voices belted these words with passion and conviction my heart smiled.  Heads back, eyes closed they sang.  I tilted the rear view mirror to enjoy the view.  Hearts singing for the love of singing and more importantly for the love of God.   

They aren't too young to miss the meaning behind the words.  They get it, and I can see it the passion they pour into the song.   It is so profound to me that we can use lyrics to current music to teach our children.  That every simple small thing we expose them to will resonate in their souls.  Sometimes for good, often for bad.    The choices we make as parents, the little ones, like what will they hear and see...they shape their world views.  The choices I make, not only say whom and what I am, but what I wish for my children to be. 

Right now, my life's work is raising my children...I hope they can see who my heart beats for.  I hope they keep that beat for each new song they sing.  
    To live the way that you believe
    this is your opportunity
   to let your life be one that lights the way