Indecision

Indecisive is a good descriptive word for me.  I think it fits me like a glove on one hand, meaning about fifty-percent of the time I cannot make a decision!  On the other hand the glove is crocheted with stubborn determination to get my way at any cost!  (generally I wear this glove when dealing with the hubby :)  But anyhow, when I'm not sure about something it can be downright painful!  I'm sure it is also quite annoying for anyone else involved in the scenario as well. 

Generally when tough decisions come along I defer to my husband.  The problem rears its head when he is unsure as well.  This is were we are today.  A team of indecisive parents, facing a major decision. 

Tonight as Anna discarded her signature daytime look of mix and match patterns for her silky Ariel nightgown, my eye caught her scar.  The only visible evidence of her medical imperfections.  The former home of a central line and site of her two balloon caths.  Her sky blue eyes lite up her chubby little four-year-old face as we snuggle before bed.  I brush her beautiful blond bangs to the side as I whisper my goodnight.  My heart swells with love.

I finish the bedtime prayers and trudge down the stairs. 

"The cardiologists office called again today....they are wondering if we have made any decisions about Anna's procedure." 

Silence

"Matt?"

"Have you heard from her old Dr.?" he asked, referring to her original cardiologist, Dr. Schneider. 

"No, I called, but haven't received a reply." We were hoping for some guidance, he was always very honest and down to earth with us.  His advice would be a deal-breaker for us. 

Silence.  This is usually the extent of these converstaions.

How do you choose?  Some background for those of you who don't know our Anna.  She was born with a congenital heart defect called critical pulmonary stenosis.  Basically the pulmonary valve of her heart was fused shut, only allowing a pin-hole opening for blood to pass through.  The first weeks of her life were spent in the NICU at Peoria Children's Hospital.  She has undergone two balloon catherizations to open her valve, one at 2 days old, the second at 5 months old.  She also had two holes in her heart, and a very small right ventricle.  By God's grace and perfect timing, she has thrived.  She is a miracle, and we have been immensely blessed.  Each check up was progressively better.  Since leaving the NICU there have been no outward signs of heart complications.  No blue lips, no shortness of breath or fatigue.  An outwardly normal child!  A perfect, beautiful blessing.

Each year we trek to Peoria in December.  Each year we get good news.  This year was different, we were taken aback to hear that although she is in no immediate danger, her cardiologist felt that we should consider closing the hole that had not closed on its own.   An elective procedure....completely our decision.

How do you choose to put your child through an elective procedure?  They say it may make her feel better...the problem is, she doesn't even know she feels bad!  She doesn't know anything other than how she feels today!  So we have no way of knowing....unless we do it.  There is a small amount of oxygenated blood mixing with the non-oxygenated blood, allowing a slight risk that a clot could pass through this hole.  So that sounds scary....another reason to do the procedure.  It would be another balloon cath, which is minimally invasive....but it is still a parental decision to put a four-year-old under full anesthesia, to endure a stay in the hospital, and to generally just cause her to be potentially afraid, uncomfortable, and worried.  Even though she feels fine.   Every medical procedure has risks to go along with the benefits....so we chose to think it over.

It has been three months.  Still no decision.  Some days I feel apathetic.  It's not that I don't care, I just feel so indecisive. 

"Lord, please make it clear, what should we do?" 

Silence.

"Lord, we know your plan is perfect, we have seen your mercy and glory so clearly in Anna's short life, we know she sits in the palm of your hand, but Lord, please help us know with confidence your will in this...."

Silence.

So days go by, many without a thought of the situation.  Is that insane?!  Shouldn't this be at the tip of my tongue, on the forefront of my thoughts?  How can I be so....apathetic?

I shared my concerns with a friend, I asked her to pray with me, and for me.  Like an angel she responded with beautiful loving words.

"Sweety, God isn't ignoring you, He is blessing you.  He is taking away your worry.  This will all become clear in His time.  In the meantime he is giving you peace while you wait to hear His answer!"

Ding, ding, ding!  I love how God uses people.  How he blesses us with friendships.  Plants people in our lives to fill the words in the blanks.  Her words left me feeling less indecisive and more confident.  Sometimes indecision is God's grace in disguise.  Quick impulsive decisions sometimes prevent us from hitting our knees.  God knows we need him....but we forget.  When we turn our eyes to Him we gain so much more than when we go at it alone.  The waiting may be painful, but the reward is worth it!

I still don't have clarity.  But I will wait.  I know God will reveal His will for us.  In the meantime I thank Him for the peace that transcends all understanding, and for friends who lead me to his word.

Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

To be continued!......