Martha, Martha

As I ascended up the stairs I could here my Thomas bellowing from his bed.  He was having a rough day, and managing his emotions had escaped the capacity of this fiery two year old.   I had walked away from his protests, knowing I was on the verge of anger, deciding to give myself a few seconds to gather some resolve before jumping into a whirlwind with him.  So up the stairs I went. 

I gathered the things I needed for an afternoon workout, socks, a hair tie, my running sneakers.  I replaced my glasses with contacts and trotted down the stairs.  Armed with a few fleeting minutes of quiet I prepared to put the wild man down for his nap and wash away some of my own frustrations with a good sweat.

Distracted by my thoughts I didn't even realize he had stopped screaming.  I rounded the corner to the living room and I was greeted by a blue eyed blond with her index finger to her lips.  She sat perched on Tommy's Harley Davidson rocking motorcycle (I know what happened to rocking horses, right?).  In her little kindergarten hands laid a favorite cloth book.  She read the last page and purposefully shut the book, clasping the Velcro latch. 

I stood there in amazement.

"Mama, Tommy was real sad about his nap, so I came to read to him"  she whispered.

"Oh Anna, that is such a kind thing to do!  You are so sweet and so helpful."

"It was easy Mama, I didn't even get finished with the first page and he was already sleepin!" she furrowed her brow in thought.  "I think he just needed me to be by him". 

Sometimes I overlook the obvious.  Sometimes I forget that in my busyness I don't take the time to sit.  I interpret his outbursts as misbehavior rather than pleas for attention.  I focus on me and my agenda instead of them and their needs. 

Life has many demands.  Each of us has many irons in the fire, plates that are overflowing and not enough arms or hours to complete all there is to be done.  It is easy to overlook the most rewarding work (quality time with the kiddos) in lieu of the most visible work (i.e. dishes, laundry and meals).  Sometimes I need to re-evaluate my priorities.

Anna saw clearly that her little brother just wanted her near.  She understood that spending time with him would calm him down. 

I am reminded of Mary and Martha.  Jesus said, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. 
Luke 10:40-42

Lord, it is a Martha world, I long to have a Mary heart.  Forgive me for serving myself and please help me to make my time with you and my time teaching my children about you a priority. 

Amen.

Chasing Nickels

Sometimes I wonder if ten minutes can actually pass without a poke, a tease, a shout, an argument, or a dispute of some sort.  Strategic planning in seating assignments is now necessary for any close quarter arrangements i.e. car rides, meals, watching movies on the couch...sometimes just existing in one home.  Pre-meditated ridicule is on the daily menu and sometimes I wonder if we will all survive this stage...it is a stage...right?  Anyhow, I inevitably question my parenting skills.  Ask myself "where did I go wrong?" "How did I drop the ball on the whole idea of siblings without rivalry?" 

But now I smile as I think of my own childhood.  Just for visual acuracy it is a devient smile...the sort of self-satisfying...I know it was wrong but it was worth it sorta smile.  I smile in response to the memories of my brother toppling to the floor as a direct result of my foot placed in his path, or the times I snickered at him as he sat in time-out (he sat there a lot) and caused him to protest and have minutes added to his time. 

Ya, I know, not nice.  But I guess that's what kids do.  It was fun and it gives us a reason to laugh today...well I'm laughing...not sure about my tortured brother!  I guess I am still laughing at his mishap today. 

My fave story to tell about my brother Bryan, a.k.a. B, is the one about how I launched his running career.  You see B is eight years my junior.  Simple math proves that this is a bad deal for me as a sixteen year old.  This puts Bryan at 8 when I am in the midst of dating my highschool sweetheart/future husband.  He would never leave us alone.  (I am now convinced this was just great planning on my parent's behalf!)  So we resorted to reverse psychology and bribery, like any well intentioned teenager would do.

"Hey Bryan, I bet your not big enough to run all the way around the house!" I'd chide.

He'd untangle himself from around Matt's leg and chirp "uh-huh, but I don't wanna"

"I'll give you a nickle" I'd bride, "if you can do it".

He was gone.  Little legs just a truckin, one arm pumping (inside joke) blond bowl cut blowing in the breeze.  Pretty soon we'd hear him huffin and puffin around the corner, he'd emerge smiling from ear to ear. 

"Betcha can't do it again and faster this time" 

Off he'd go, around and around and around.  Poor kid.  He'd finally tucker out exhausted. 

"How much did I earn?" he'd ask.

Matt would ususally give him a couple coins from his pocket, but never was it the full booty of his effort.  Apparently he didn't count money yet, because he never complained! 

Needless to say, B went on to run cross country and track in high school.  He attended Mount Mercy College recruited to run cross country and track for them.  Today he manages a running store called Running Wild!  Coincidence?  I think not!  He owes it all to me right? 

Truth is when my little brother graduated from high school I gathered up all the nickels I could find and presented them to him in a clear plastic baggy.  He had earned them, and I was paying up on what I owed.  Well, minus my royalties and commissions.  He has accomplished a lot as a runner, as a person.  I am proud of him.  He will be running the Bix7 again on Saturday for the 10th time.

I guess maybe ridicule and rivalry are by-products of love.  I think of how my own children enjoy torturing one another with boogers and bugs.  How they love to tattle and trip and harrass.  I guess they must really love each other.  Someday they will have lots of great stories to tell...that is if we all survive each other! 

Good luck B!  Run fast :)



Me and B (Back when he was cute)



Open the Window

So I've been thinking a lot about circumstance lately.  It is so easy to live in our own little houses with all our windows closed and feel like what is happening in our "world" is SO important.  And don't get me wrong, it is important...but sometimes when you open up a window, even just pull back the curtain, you can easily be reminded that everyone is facing something.

A few weeks ago at our church's vacation Bible school I was introduced to a girl named Christina.  The kitchen crew had been preparing snacks for the children all morning while chatting about our summer schedules.  Each of us took turns listing the activities we had planned, the obligations we needed to fill and the unexpected things that kept invading our itinerary.....like dogs who kept chewing out their stitches and ring worm, and swimmer's ear, and flat tires and lost flip flops.  How humbling it was to meet this precious child.

Christina walked up to the counter and rested her elbows on the edge. She was probably twelve, a pretty girl, soft eyes, an infectious smile, but she looked wary, burdened. 

"Hi Christina" Miss Laury chirped in her contagious happy tone.  "I am so happy you are here!  Tell all these nice ladies what I told you!" she said smiling.

Miss Laury is a member of our church, and she was Christina's group leader that week, she had stopped in the kitchen to chat between rotations.

Christina looked down sheepishly, but the smile that took over her face was visible through her thick blond bangs.  "I can't" she said shyly, still looking down.

"Now look at me missy, I know you know I am right and I want you to tell everyone who will listen!" Miss Laury doesn't hold back!

Still smiling Chritina raised her head and looked at Miss Laury. 

"Tell them" Miss Laury insisted.

"Okay" she said, "I am special" she mumured shyly.

"What?" Miss Laury said, I didn't hear you clearly, and what else, that's not all?

This time louder, more confident Christina looked at us "I am special, and someday I am going to be somebody who makes a difference". 

"That's right sweety, and whatcha gonna do when you do that?" 

"I'm gonna find you and tell you" 

"And where are you gonna find me?"

"Right here at church she said"

A chorus of encouragement poured out of that kitchen, assuring her that she could do it and that we would all be praying for her and looking forward to meeting her again.

As she trotted off to join her group Miss Laury filled us in on Christina's story, and reminded us all that everyone is facing something.

Chirstiana returned to VBS that Thursday morning and announced she had endured a "bad" night.

From inside my window with the curtain shut tight I consider a bad night as one where I cannot get the kids to stay in bed, or when we get home so late from softball or soccer that there is barely time to bathe the kids before they should be in bed, or someone is up in the night interupting my sleep. 

Christina's bad night was different.  Turns out this twelve year old is the oldest of ~twelve children living in her house.  Most of them are not related, they are mostly children of her mom's friends and boyfriends.  Christina had disclosed to Laury that she is pretty much the caretaker of all the children, making sure they are fed and clothed, keeping what order she can.  She almost didn't come to VBS because she was worried about leaving the other kids behind at home. 

Her "bad" night started with one of the men in the house drunkendly yielding a loaded gun and threatening to kill everyone, he then capturing one of the dogs, putting it in a headlock and pointing the gun to its head.  This was followed up with police intervention and his eventual departure to a jail cell. 

I have a friend who has been seperated from her husband for a year, a neighbor whose grandson endured a debilitating seizure, a friend just diagnosed with breast cancer, a loved one with pre-cancer cells, another with a mono-mono twin pregnancy that is extremely high risk.  So many people are suffering.  My minor complaints sound like luxury compared to the circumstances of others.  Our personal troubles are not unimportant and they are not forgotten by God, but they are all relative.  If we are not willing to open our windows and see what others are facing it is easy to become consumed with our own struggles.  Christina helped me step out the front door and be more aware.  Gave me a desire to think less of self and more of others. 

I realize that I cannot always physically help all of these people.  I cannot always be available to provide for them.  But I can pray for them.  I can offer a word of support, send a card, listen.  The best thing I can do is open the window, step outside my door, cast aside my selfish desires and learn how to better serve others.  God has provided for me in so many ways.  I pray that I never lose track of all that i have been provided because I am currently comfortable. 


Lord thankyou for the blessings that you have bestowed on my house and my family.  Thank you for folks like Miss Laury, willing to win hearts for Jesus, for being bold and available, and persistent. Forgive me for my selfish oblivion. Please keep Christina, Logan, Mike, Deborah, Hannah,Carol, Jerry, Stacy, Teri, Amy and others who are facing trials close to you, so that might feel your hand.   Help me see outside my comfy home and use me where you need me.  Give me a heart that is willing to serve, less of me and more of others.   Amen.

A Miracle Packaged in Blond - Anna update

It has been five years to the day that we experienced Anna's first major heart procedure.  My own heart feels all fluttery and wild as I remember those moments.  Etched in a secluded place in my mind, are memories of how those hours and days crept by.  We trudged the halls of Peoria's Children's  Hospital for weeks.  In those days, I remember feeling no fear.  I know that sounds odd, my child was critically ill.  But I was not scared.  I was certain that God's plan was good.  I knew that He held Anna's life in His hand.  I distinctly remember releasing her life to Him.  We were in the surgical cath waiting room.  I remember silently praying these words, Lord, I know you love Anna more than I do.  I know that your plan for her is perfect and good.  Lord I pray that your plan for her won't have her leave this world before me, but if it is your will, I trust you.  Please help Matt find the peace I have found in your promises.  Amen.  I realize how lucky I am.  I am very aware that babies die.  I know too many moms who have children waiting for them in heaven, I feel more blessed than I can describe to have my Anna be a five year old today. 

About two weeks after we came home with Anna, I think I had a panic attack.  I had a rush of emotion, realizing what God had provided for my family.  Up until that moment, I had no recollection of the details of those days.  I had been protected from the tidal wave of emotions that I should have felt.  God had given me peace in the most crucial times, allowing me to ask intelligent questions, to be cognicent and aware of Anna's hourly progress, of the myriad of monitors and tests and meds.  I was on autopilot (God had the wheel).  But when we returned home, I was overwhelmed with what had happened.  Even as I type this my heart races, remembering those days, I am reminded of how far we have come and of how much I had to lose.  I am reminded that nothing is promised, nothing is guarenteed.  I am reminded of a God who gives and a God who takes away.  I am reminded that our plans do not always line up with God's will, and I am thankful that I have the assurances and promises I have found in God's word. 

So I know much of the above was babble, but it is hard to describe the depth of how I feel blessed.  I watch Anna run, jump, learn, love, and live.  Every breath she takes is an absolute blessing handed to me from God.  If you have never heard the song Oliviana by JJ Heller, search it on KLOVE.com and take a listen, a reminder of how things could have gone. 

So a long awaited update on Anna's current status.  In all of this we were blessed by an amazing man named Dr. Douglas Schneider.  This man is the best doctor I have ever met.  He genuinlly cared for Anna, he genuinlly cared for us.  He took extra time to be sure we understood her condition, her options, and her procedures.  He checked on her, he touched her, he touched us, he listened.  When I finally reached him to ask advice about her current issue (whether to close the hole in her heart) he had not examined Anna for over two years (since he moved to KY).  With no chart, no background from me, he remembered every detail of Anna's case.  He willingly offered to review her most recent ultrasound, and he was as kind, and caring as I remembered.  He asked if she still had those chubby cheeks, and commented that he guessed she was getting big!  On top of it, he was calling me after his day was over, and she isn't even a current patient!

A few weeks later my waiting was complete.  Another after hours call from Dr. Schneider.  He had conveined his entire staff of cardiologists to review Anna's case.  He relayed the unanimous opinion "to leave her be".  Saying there was no sense in putting her through the procedure when she was a-symptomatic, and when in his opinion her hole would close on its own anyway.  Then to top it off, he thanked ME for allowing him to review her case!!  He said he would never forget Anna or us, that we made him feel like he was part of our family during those days, and that Anna was a miracle that he will never forget.  I told him that he was a blessing from God and that he was awesome!

So even though I still have a fluttering heart, we have an answer.  No procedure for now.  Just let her grow and thrive. 

My beautiful girl a blessing from God, she's growing and thriving and spurring us on.  Reminding us daily of God's mercy and grace.  A miracle, a reminder packaged in blond.  Her heart gently murmers, a whisper from God, He is always  with us, we are never alone. 

Thank you God for Anna.  I know she is a gift.  Forgive me for the times I take a breath for granted.  Remind me gently to live each moment in a way that will leave a legacy for tomorrow.  Thank you, thank you for your mercy, grace and love.

A Quote for the Day

Well, chaos has been abundant here.  Time is fleeting.  It is almost Wednesday and it hit me early this morn that I am leaving for a three day home school conference on Thursday!  Yikes!  So this is a quicky. An update on us, we are good.  Alli has started softball games, keeping us busy two nights a week.  Tyler has finished spring soccer and is trying out for the traveling team next week (chaos multiplied).  Anna is obsessed with water and has a daily need to soak in the sprinkler, slip and slide or tub...generally in that order.  Thomas is....exhausting, but good.  He sneaks out the backdoor the instance you aren't looking and he L_O_V_E_S to be outside!  We are officially a self-employed family -go mudjacking!  Prayers for the biz phone to ring ring ring are much appreciated!  I have been writing away (no not here obviously for those of you who have been whining...thank you for missing this), but writing submissions for some upcoming publications...hoping someday someone who doesn't already love me, will love one of my manuscripts enough to publish it!  So prayers for that are much needed too!  Oh and we have a new baby.  I'll tell you more in a later post :)

so on to the quote. 

My cousins Sean and Emily are an amazingly beautiful couple.  They share the kind of love you read about.  Em graciously shared this quote that she read.  I love it. 

Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart's revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are.  And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific.  Trying ot love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self's own moral or spiritual well-being.  Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self.

I love how God created one specific person to love me in a way that no one else can, to understand me, to put up with me, and to be my partner.  I love that in the process of learning to love another, we intertwine our branches and become one big strong tree, bearing each others burdens, sharing each others fears and enjoying each others accomplishments.  Thank you God for creating Eve for Adam, and seeing that it was good :) 

Blessings on you and the one's you love tonight.

My Brown Eyed Girl

I am long overdue for a post, but life is busy at the end of the homeschool year, the beginning of mudjacking season, and on the very special 7th birthday of our second born!  So although it is belated, this post is dedicated to my Allerina Ballerina.

We never find out the gender of our children in utero.  I love the suspense, the excitement, the guessing.  Mostly the torture it inflicts on the extended family and their desire to buy pink or blue...ha!  I knew, KNEW Ty was a boy.  Every ounce of me was sure.  I was right!  So the second pregnancy I was pretty sure again that I would have another boy.  I was literally shocked when Matt delivered our baby GIRL!  And once again, I was instantaneously, totally, completely, in love.  Every doubt about how I could love another as much as I loved my Ty...vanished.  There is no explanation, you just do.  In an instant your love is multiplied, not divided, multiplied. 

 Our Alli was/is a force to be reckoned with.  A beautiful, energetic girl.  A perfect baby, slept at night, rarely cried.  But as she grew in size she grew in energy as well.  Full of life, zeal, love.  There was two modes on her system, awake or asleep.  Some days it felt as though she never stopped moving from the moment her eyes popped open in the wee hours of the morning until the moment she was wrestled to bed at night.  Oh how I prayed for her little spirit.  On my knees by the side of her sleeping head, "Dear Lord, I pray for her fire to burn for you.  For all this energy in her little body to some day be used for your glory.  Help her find a lower gear, but to keep her fire for you!" 

She has grown into a marvelous little doll.  I adore her loving and giving heart.  She is on FIRE for the Lord, she relates everything to Jesus, and she teaches me each day how to love Him more as well.

I asked her in the weeks prior to her big #7, what sort of cake she would like this year.  Last year we did a castle, the year before was something princess as well.  This year, she wanted a Jesus birthday.  Yes she did.  My hearts bursts with joy to see her soar in His love.  The way she chooses to honor Him, to share the love of her Lord with others.  If only I could be more like my seven year old.  I pray she never losses her resolve.  That she continues to love and share and glorify Him. 

My beautiful brown eyed girl is growing up.  She is my affectionate, artistic, compassionate, energetic, committed, vibrant, confident, resilient, angel.  I love her dearly.  I thank God for allowing me to be her mommy.  How very blessed I am. 

Beautiful baby

You're sweeter than strawberry pie

Just like the morning

Your smile brings the sunshine

jj heller

Uncommon

Being uncommon comes with a price.  Usually at our own expense we strive to be anything but uncommon.  Here is why.  Some of the more common definitions and synonyms for uncommon are: odd, strange, peculiar, queer and unusual.  Most folks avoid being any of those things at any cost.  But dig a little deeper and you will find that some others are: above the ordinary, exceptional, remarkable, extraordinary & outstanding.  Are you willing to be uncommon?

Character building was a large motivation behind our decision to homeschool.  I am bold enough to speculate that integrity and character have become lost virtues.  Children are constantly bombarded with subject matter that is beyond their maturity.  Things they shouldn't see, words they shouldn't hear.  Purity is lost, and never will it return.  You cannot unsee things, you cannot unhear, but you can become desensitized and oblivious.  Homeschooling was never merely about education, Aristotle said it like this,
Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.

How do children discover who they are?  I have oft wondered....who am I?  There have been times in my life when I thought I had it all figured out.  But in the pursuit of perfection I have often ended up lost, disillusioned.  Getting caught up in what I should appear to be....  Afraid that who I was, wasn't good enough, smart enough, cool enough...that I would appear odd or strange.  But my revelation, my truth is packaged perfectly in one of Cecil Murphy's aphorisms; I'd rather be disliked for who I am than to be admired for who I'm not.  Be me, no illusions, no fronts, just me.  I'm working on this.  Being confident, bold, decisive, diligent.  Uncommon and unafraid of what others think.  I know that if anyone sees through a false exterior it is those we most love, our children, our husband.  Am I who I want them to be?  Again, I am working on it :)

My desire for my children is for them to understand from a young age what character is.  Not just how it is defined on a page, but how it is applied in life.  I have borrowed an amazing resource from the Duggar family, the operational definitions of character qualities .  We spend a lot of time discussing different character qualities, learning what they mean, giving examples, practicing them in our lives.  We have designated a cabinet in our kitchen "the character cabinet", last fall we cut out colorful fall leaves and each time one of the children displayed a positive character quality they received a leaf with their name and the quality written for everyone to see.  Obedience, forgiveness, flexibility, creativity, patience, self-control adorned the door.  Badges of character, a visible reminder of the good in them.  As the children learn the definitions, understand certain qualities and the expectations associated with the word it is easy to not only point out when they display them, but also when they don't. 

For example we have been working on obedience all year (likely will for the next 10!).  But when I feel someone has been disobedient I simply say, "what is obedience?"  and the immediate response is this "quickly, cheerfully, thoroughly".  They understand the expectation, they understand their shortfall, and no lecture is needed (usually). 

Confidence is key as well.  Being grounded in who they are.  It took me too many years to realize that who I am, is a child of God.  Enough said.  He knows every hair on my head and every care in my heart.  He has great plans for me and he patiently continues to perfect the work he has begun.  Thank you Lord for patience!  My prayer is for my children to put the pieces together at an early age.  To trust the Lord to direct their paths and for them to find joy in serving Him.  Life is not without obstacles and I have never been naive enough to believe that we won't stumble.  But I know they will find security in their faith by structuring their lives around that which is eternal and cannot be destroyed or taken away.  John 6:27.

"In the end, character is the blend of inner courage, wisdom, and a sense of duty to yourself, to others, and to something greater than you.  In a common world, becoming an uncommon man begins by cultivating uncommon character."  Tony Dungee, Uncommon. 

More Than Our Bad Days

It has been a rough week for the chaos crew.  Camaraderie, flexibility, diligence, teamwork...these are not words I would use to describe us this week.  Everyone seems to be surly and stubborn.  I was sure that as we welcomed the bright sun and extended outdoor play that the crabby, fidgety, whiney behavior would subside.  Not so.  Frown.  :(  Instead the desire to go outside and suck in nature has been replaced with the desire to never come back inside!  This new desire makes accomplishing the tasks of the day a bit of a challenge!  I am thrilled that my children love to be outdoors, but I didn't anticipate the strain it would put on our school day. 

In addition, the attitudes being displayed toward one another are down right terrible.  It is defeating for mama.  I have spent a great deal of time this year working on character.  So much has been accomplished, I am proud of my children and who they are.  But when things are bad, when attitudes are poor and moral is low, I take it personally.  Their behavior is a reflection of my performance....isn't it?

Matt always calls at lunchtime.  Today he may wish he hadn't.  The first sound he heard was the wailing cry of Thomas in the background who had been unhappy for 90% of his awake existence that day.  Tyler and Alli were picking at each other (in lieu of doing their schoolwork), Merik (daycare child) was insisting we not have green beans with lunch while Anna begged for chocolate milk, and lunch was fifteen minutes behind.  My van was in the shop and the cell phone guy was minutes away from arriving to my disaster zone house to switch my phone out for me.  (add that to the definition of chaos Mr. Webster)  As I relayed the turmoil my lovely man had the foresight to remind me, "Sarah, they are just kids, they are going to have bad days, just chill out and remember how great they are when they are behaving!"

"hmmm"

They are great kids.   I have bad days, display behavior I am not proud of (more than I care to admit) and the truth is, those days don't define me.  So back to my song obsession, I love the lyrics to You Are More by Tenth Avenue North
You are more than the choices that you make
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
(That's from memory) so don't hold me to the words, but take a listen here: http://www.klove.com/music/artists/tenth-avenue-north/songs/you-are-more-lyrics.aspx

My dear, dear friend is raising a brood of boys.  She uses the analogy of a tree with their families parenting.  Often saying that she is raising good strong trees, with deep roots and strong branches.  I love this, the roots are what we plant at home, the deeper we dig, the more we water, the stronger the tree will stand in the storms.  The branches are who they are...the paths they will take, the talents they will pursue, the people they will touch, again, with strong roots these branches may bend and sway in the wind, but they will not break, they will remain strong.  They will produce much fruit, for His names sake. 

A favorite saying of mine



So on windy days, when we are bent and swayed to do the wrong thing, to make the wrong choice, I am reminded of the tree analogy.  And of my husband's wisdom.  They are just kids, they are still growing.  And although I may wish to take one of those little branches and pull it back and let it swing back to strike a little hinney, haha, joking.  They are not defined by the bad days, but by what is being planted and watered and grown in their souls.

We will muscle through the last month of school, enjoying the outside as an incentive.  Using bad behavior as an example of what not to do, and praying, praying, praying for sanity and patience!  (for us all)  All the while, thanking God for his grace, patience, and forgiveness in my own life.  Never forsaking me, despite all my baggage, all my mistakes, all my bad choices.  What a perfect love.

So go water some trees :)  and enjoy watching them grow. 

The photo is borrowed from my friend's blog (without permission) heehee.  Please take a look at her wonderful tales of mothering five amazing boys on her blog My Five Sons.  http://www.shawnellewrites.blogspot.com/

On the Same Frequency

I am in awe of the way that we are all created so unique, yet we occassionally run across others who ride the same wave in this life.  Through the years I have been blessed with amazing friends.  Friends whom God has placed in my life at the perfect time, for the perfect reasons. 

Have you ever been certain that you have conceived the same thought as someone at the exact same time, or actually said the same thing at the same moment?  Or have you thought of someone, "out of the blue" only to get a note or a call from them the next day?  Coincidence?  Nah, not if you ask me. 

My friend Nikki and I literally creep each other out, because these "coincidences" happen ALL the time.  One time we both said the word smurf at the same time...I hadn't seen a smurf since I was six, but somehow one day while joking around at work we both blurted it out!  I know that is a weird example, but it is a true story I promise! 

Other times with her and other friends I have had a particular person pop in my head.  Out of nowhere I will get a call from them!  Or I will call them and they will say, "wierd, I was just thinking of you!"  I used to brush these strange encounters off as coincidences myself, but the more I learn about the Lord and the Holy Spirit, the more I am aware of God using me, prompting me.

It has happened before that I have had a person enter my mind and thought, hmmmm, I should send them a note, or give a quick call.  Then the chaos of life interupts and I don't do it.  Days later when I actually get to the action, I find that they had a really bad day the other day, the day I was prompted to check in.  The day I was distracted, or simply too busy to listen.  The day that I could have helped....the one that had already passed. 

Often I am blessed to be on the reciprocating end.  Recieving a note, a call, an email, a blog comment, just at the right time.  Just when I am feeling down, just when I could use some light in my day.  I am so grateful for my friends who surf with me.  I am so thankful that God uses us to shed light, that when we are willing to not only listen, but to take action, we can brighten a day. 

To my amazing friends, the ones I talk to regualarly, the ones I only talk to every so often, the ones I don't see for this or that reason, the ones who I am blessed to see all the time, the ones whom I have never met in person.  Thank you for listening to my frequency and being on my chapter in the book, sometimes the same line of the same page, thank you for who you are, what you have done for me, and for always being there.  Thank you for accountability, encouragement, tough love, for laughs and tears, for shoulders and for reminding me to count my blessings.  You each have repeatedly listened and acted just when I need you. 

I encourage you today, don't ignore the promptings in your life.  Let God use you. I am also reminded that we are often prompted to show kindness to strangers, so go ahead and change someone's life today.  What do you have to lose?

Chaos Machine

So, I have decided that my Thomas is a chaos machine.  He is programmed to quickly and efficiently cause mass destruction, and chaos. 

Yesterday the chaos machine followed the below protocol:
  Eat one half bowl of oatmeal, fling remaining oatmeal at sister = cleaning mother
  Removing PJ's and diaper and chasing siblings while naked = disgusted shrieks and a puddle of piddle
  Use orange crayon to "draw" on Alli's math assignment = screaming sister
  Disassemble prized bionicle while on rouge mission in brother's room = raging brother
  Practice MMA on the ruff (kitty) (confused I know) = screeching mach speed cat retreat
  Reaching on kitchen counter to get a drink from sissy's cup = hair styled with apple juice & new outfit
  Running around living room with laundry hamper on head = hilarious photo ops
  Running around living room with laundry hamper on head = stacks of folded laundry...unfolded
  Stacks of folded laundry...unfolded = unhappy mama
  Exploratory mission under the couch = toddler chewing on AA battery
  Toddler chewing on AA battery = panicked daddy frantickly washing out mouth
  Toddler chewing on AA battery = toddler sleeping in parent's bed...at dad's insistance
  Toddler sleeping in bed = interupted sleep for mama and daddy, and a machine with a charged battery!

  Thomas the chaos machine = parents finding joy in the life of a healthy (though exhausting) child! 
I'd love to hear about your chaos machines too!  Such joy comes from knowing we are not alone!! 

Just a Mom

I love the warming weather, the opportunity to get out and breath in deep.  To open the windows wide and air out the stagnant winter air.  I spent a recent evening walking with some friends, discussing the ins and outs of the day when our topic turned to raising girls.  The three of us, have eleven children collectively.  Each with a mix of boys and girls. 

"Obviously boys and girls are different, but the way God hard-wired us with certain attributes is amazing!" one friend commented.

"I never had to teach my daughter to snuggle and care for her dollies, or my son to vrrroomm his trucks and love throwing balls".  added the other.

The next question traipses around in my brain regularly, guarded against the worldview, against my own insecurities, I keep it hidden.  But wrapped in the security of friends who love me, I ask.
"Is it wrong to encourage my daughters to be just moms?  If asked what they want to be when they grow up
their answers are clear and concise."

"I want to be a mommy."

I always wanted to be a mommy too.  There was never a shred of my existence that didn't know I would have children.  I always had a picture of a family.  But in our society, in our generation, this answer was juvenile and incomplete.  The rebuttal question was generally, "Well yes, but what else do you want to be?"  As if shaping the future generation was not an important enough job.  The world wants you to have status, letters behind our names, six-figure incomes...those are prizes deemed worthy of our efforts.  But just a mom, a simple housewife?  It's a lost art, it lacks ambition, it's a lazy escape, so they say. 

So, my pretty leather bound diploma was acquired.  I worked hard, I put in the hours, I worked my way up the ladder.  Blood, sweat and tears went into my degree.   Long nights, early mornings and frazzled nerves.  Six years, countless papers, quizzes, tests, experiments, hundreds of stalls mucked, horses fed, one wedding, one baby, and one thesis later I was a Master of Animal Science. 

Tyler hanging out at the barn

Year one post graduation, I moved my tiny family to Kansas.  The dream job.  Director of Horse Production at a small community college.  I had attained the dream.  Here lies the problem.  The dream wasn't the job.  The dream was the tiny family.  So the 24/7 responsibilities of being a horse farm manager, writing new curriculum, managing all my students, and being a mom....it wasn't working for me.  After all....all I ever wanted, was to be "just" a mom. 

My pretty little diploma adorns the third shelf of my china cabinet, tucked under a pie plate and some random birthday party supplies. 

My college days were an amazing time in mine and Matt's lives.  But looking back, I really think I learned more about how to be a mom, than I did about how to be a scientist.  Partly from the fact that I met my best friend and the best mom in the world there, Shanna.  And partly because I learned that what I was learning really doesn't matter in the big picture.   

 

  

I haven't ridden on or even touched a horse in nearly three years.  I still get all rubber-necked when we pass a horse farm, but more because I appreciate the beauty of God's creation than a longing for what once was.  Today the blood, sweat and tears, the long nights, early mornings and frazzled nerves are going into a product that will surpass this lifetime.  A small herd of God-loving, God-fearing believers who will shed light in dark places and continue a legacy that will strengthen with each generation. 

I've answered my own question.  "Yes it is okay"  I will be a cheerleader for my children no matter what.  But I will also always remind them to cling to their instincts, and focus on the bigger picture.  To hear God's voice and follow His will for their lives, and ultimately, to serve Him and serve others.  Only time will tell what this will look like, but today, I will teach them to cook and clean, to mend and organize, to love and laugh, and enjoy!



Me & Shanna

 

Indecision

Indecisive is a good descriptive word for me.  I think it fits me like a glove on one hand, meaning about fifty-percent of the time I cannot make a decision!  On the other hand the glove is crocheted with stubborn determination to get my way at any cost!  (generally I wear this glove when dealing with the hubby :)  But anyhow, when I'm not sure about something it can be downright painful!  I'm sure it is also quite annoying for anyone else involved in the scenario as well. 

Generally when tough decisions come along I defer to my husband.  The problem rears its head when he is unsure as well.  This is were we are today.  A team of indecisive parents, facing a major decision. 

Tonight as Anna discarded her signature daytime look of mix and match patterns for her silky Ariel nightgown, my eye caught her scar.  The only visible evidence of her medical imperfections.  The former home of a central line and site of her two balloon caths.  Her sky blue eyes lite up her chubby little four-year-old face as we snuggle before bed.  I brush her beautiful blond bangs to the side as I whisper my goodnight.  My heart swells with love.

I finish the bedtime prayers and trudge down the stairs. 

"The cardiologists office called again today....they are wondering if we have made any decisions about Anna's procedure." 

Silence

"Matt?"

"Have you heard from her old Dr.?" he asked, referring to her original cardiologist, Dr. Schneider. 

"No, I called, but haven't received a reply." We were hoping for some guidance, he was always very honest and down to earth with us.  His advice would be a deal-breaker for us. 

Silence.  This is usually the extent of these converstaions.

How do you choose?  Some background for those of you who don't know our Anna.  She was born with a congenital heart defect called critical pulmonary stenosis.  Basically the pulmonary valve of her heart was fused shut, only allowing a pin-hole opening for blood to pass through.  The first weeks of her life were spent in the NICU at Peoria Children's Hospital.  She has undergone two balloon catherizations to open her valve, one at 2 days old, the second at 5 months old.  She also had two holes in her heart, and a very small right ventricle.  By God's grace and perfect timing, she has thrived.  She is a miracle, and we have been immensely blessed.  Each check up was progressively better.  Since leaving the NICU there have been no outward signs of heart complications.  No blue lips, no shortness of breath or fatigue.  An outwardly normal child!  A perfect, beautiful blessing.

Each year we trek to Peoria in December.  Each year we get good news.  This year was different, we were taken aback to hear that although she is in no immediate danger, her cardiologist felt that we should consider closing the hole that had not closed on its own.   An elective procedure....completely our decision.

How do you choose to put your child through an elective procedure?  They say it may make her feel better...the problem is, she doesn't even know she feels bad!  She doesn't know anything other than how she feels today!  So we have no way of knowing....unless we do it.  There is a small amount of oxygenated blood mixing with the non-oxygenated blood, allowing a slight risk that a clot could pass through this hole.  So that sounds scary....another reason to do the procedure.  It would be another balloon cath, which is minimally invasive....but it is still a parental decision to put a four-year-old under full anesthesia, to endure a stay in the hospital, and to generally just cause her to be potentially afraid, uncomfortable, and worried.  Even though she feels fine.   Every medical procedure has risks to go along with the benefits....so we chose to think it over.

It has been three months.  Still no decision.  Some days I feel apathetic.  It's not that I don't care, I just feel so indecisive. 

"Lord, please make it clear, what should we do?" 

Silence.

"Lord, we know your plan is perfect, we have seen your mercy and glory so clearly in Anna's short life, we know she sits in the palm of your hand, but Lord, please help us know with confidence your will in this...."

Silence.

So days go by, many without a thought of the situation.  Is that insane?!  Shouldn't this be at the tip of my tongue, on the forefront of my thoughts?  How can I be so....apathetic?

I shared my concerns with a friend, I asked her to pray with me, and for me.  Like an angel she responded with beautiful loving words.

"Sweety, God isn't ignoring you, He is blessing you.  He is taking away your worry.  This will all become clear in His time.  In the meantime he is giving you peace while you wait to hear His answer!"

Ding, ding, ding!  I love how God uses people.  How he blesses us with friendships.  Plants people in our lives to fill the words in the blanks.  Her words left me feeling less indecisive and more confident.  Sometimes indecision is God's grace in disguise.  Quick impulsive decisions sometimes prevent us from hitting our knees.  God knows we need him....but we forget.  When we turn our eyes to Him we gain so much more than when we go at it alone.  The waiting may be painful, but the reward is worth it!

I still don't have clarity.  But I will wait.  I know God will reveal His will for us.  In the meantime I thank Him for the peace that transcends all understanding, and for friends who lead me to his word.

Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

To be continued!......

She Roars....She Speaks 2011

Different folks share their gifts in different ways.  I want to tell you about an amazing opportunity for anyone who has the desire to encourage others with their words, either spoken or written.  Lysa TerKeurst is giving away two scholarships to the She Speaks 2011 Convention.  You can find out how to enter here.  I would love the opportunity to touch the lives of other women, specifically other moms by sharing my words.  This opportunity is immeasurable...I need all the help I can get :) 

This is my entry

Lord, how did I become so volatile?  Sometimes it feels like my fuse is always lit.  This isn't who I thought I would be.  Help me be meek, help me find peace in the chaos.

Life happens, it's chaotic and rushed.  The demands of a large family are many and most days I feel as though my accomplishments are few.  My life is constant motion.  From the moment my two year old pokes me in the eye to wake me at 5:45 a.m. demanding a "nack", to the umpteenth time I return a child to bed each night, there is rarely a second for cognitive thought.  Sitting down is out of the question, unless I'm folding something...or changing someone's pants.  I don't even attempt to talk on the phone unless I'm in the car, and the problem with that is I can't run away if the noise reaches the obnoxious level.  Busy is an understatement.

To be clear, I L-O-V-E the opportunity to be at home, this is the life I choose.  But making the choice to be an at-home mom isn't the magic anecdote to glee filled happiness!  It is hard work.  It is about self-sacrifice and commitment.  Long days and yes, I admit, short fuses with episodes of roaring.  The fact that I want this doesn't always make it easy!

I recently discussed a particularly difficult morning with a dear friend.

"I can't believe I lost my temper over such a trivial offense"  I admitted, "It is so frustrating to know in your heart who you are and how you want to respond to these things, yet to be so weak and give into the to temptation to just roar!"

She touched my arm, tears welled in her eyes...."I had a bad morning too...I completely understand"  then the wisdom spewed out "sometimes we have to remember that this isn't TV, we aren't in a movie, this is real life with real people, and real frustrations....and sometimes....well we just have bad days".

Whoa.....back-up....did she just say she had a bad morning too??  Yep, she did!  Not only did she hear what I said....but she understood....without judgement!! Oh, how wonderful to be heard! 

Motherhood can be so very lonely, it is so easy to create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our families and then when we fall short, we feel defeated.  We isolate ourselves, or hide our flaws in an attempt to appear "normal".  To have another mom, someone whom I admire and look to for advice be willing to share her weaknesses with me was so.... liberating.  She heard me, she had the courage to be transparent and in so doing she stirred a desire in me to speak too....well, write. 

I'm a pretty quiet person.   I tend to get nervous in conversation and I am easily distracted, so I don't say much.  But the truth is, I have a lot to say.  I just say it better in writing.   Writing it down is powerful...a complete thought, right there on the page.  Something in my day that I can actually see finished!  Plus I can go back and delete the stuff that sounds dumb....can't do that in conversation!   

Now add in the potential that someone else might feel the same way....someone else might need some liberation.  Unfortunately I believe that I do not have an isolated case of underground incognito roaring mama syndrome ....in fact I believe that it runs rampid among women in their childbearing years.  As I seek to lengthen my fuse, I have found great comfort in my new found pride of roaring moms.  Not content to give into the temptation to roar, but daily seeking God's wisdom and learning from each other how to manage the chaos of our days.

I thank God daily for his grace, as I seek the strength to be meek.

Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

                                                                                                                        2 Corinthians 12:9

It's Your Life

I saw a post on FB today I love music...it can speak for you.  I like that, it always seems I hear the right song at the right time, whether the lyrics resonate with me, or the beat lifts my spirits.  Problem is...I can't carry a tune!  In fact I'm pretty sure I am tone deaf!  But I've decided over the years that it isn't about how my singing sounds....it's about how it makes me feel.  Today Tyler and Alli and I sang our hearts out to Francesca Battistelli.   I love the words to It's Your Life
     It's your life
     Watcha gonna do?
     The world is watchin you
     Every day the choices you make
     Say what you are
     And who your heart beats for
     It's an open door
As their little elementary voices belted these words with passion and conviction my heart smiled.  Heads back, eyes closed they sang.  I tilted the rear view mirror to enjoy the view.  Hearts singing for the love of singing and more importantly for the love of God.   

They aren't too young to miss the meaning behind the words.  They get it, and I can see it the passion they pour into the song.   It is so profound to me that we can use lyrics to current music to teach our children.  That every simple small thing we expose them to will resonate in their souls.  Sometimes for good, often for bad.    The choices we make as parents, the little ones, like what will they hear and see...they shape their world views.  The choices I make, not only say whom and what I am, but what I wish for my children to be. 

Right now, my life's work is raising my children...I hope they can see who my heart beats for.  I hope they keep that beat for each new song they sing.  
    To live the way that you believe
    this is your opportunity
   to let your life be one that lights the way